Big Bear, California

After a few days of heavy rain storm, Southern California’s peaks finally received a much-needed helping of fresh powder. It was absolutely breathtaking. Snow truly does beautify everything it touches.

My family and I headed up the mountains early Saturday morning and surprisingly had a smooth ride up. It’s been years since my last visit to Big Bear, and I had a wonderful time with my family bob sledding and having snow ball fights! Regardless of age, snow brings out the inner kid in every one!

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Thank you for reading!

Xx,
Anicka Nadine

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Maybe I’m overthinking. Or maybe I just need someone to pat my head and say, “It’s okay, Adrielle”

SunsetIf my brain were a file cabinet, this story would be archived under Times Adrielle’s Big Fat Mouth Betrayed Her.

Let’s just say that I have a tendency to talk before I think. Anyone who spends a significant amount of time with me knows the randomosities that escape my mouth. For the most part, they’re quite harmless, and no consequences are involved.

This is not one of those times. Or maybe it is. You can be the judge.

Last weekend, my crush (am I too old to use that word?) invited me to join him at Hermosa Beach to watch an outdoor beach concert along his friends. I really like this guy. I mean, REALLY like. So much so that I’m starting to think he’s a figment of my imagination. He loves food and travel and epic adventures and Anthony Bourdain! I’ve only known him for a few months, but he has one of the biggest hearts of anyone I know. He’s genuine, deeply cares about the environment and is compassionate towards others. Plus, he has dreams and ambitions and everything else that pretty much sums up an ideal man in my eyes. Did I mention how intelligent he is? Last Sunday, we were watching the sunset together, and I was thinking out loud, “I wonder how sunsets get their different colors.” And I swear to god, the kid had a legitimate answer, talking about molecules in the air and different light wavelengths… Yes, he’s my human Almanac.

Come on, how can someone like him be R E A L?!

So this past Sunday, we were hanging out, and I made a corny/cheesy comment, which I can’t recall at this point. Much to my surprise, he jumped on board and rode along my corniness surfboard! I don’t know what form of spirit possessed me afterwards. Maybe it was the romantic setting, maybe it was all the butterflies I’ve been feeling nonstop, but all of a sudden, I turned to him, grabbed his chin, positioned my face two inches away from his and blurted out, “I love you for that!”

I. love. you. for that.

My eyes widened, my jaw dropped, and blood immediately drained out of my face as soon as my ears heard the words my mouth rebelliously uttered without my brain’s permission.

WHY OH WHY?! Why did I have to choose those words?! Why not, “I like you for that!” Or “You’re cool for saying that!” Why do I have to say the “I love you” part?

I don’t love him, so why did I blurt it out? Perhaps I’m overthinking this. I said it very casually, so I’m just crossing all my fingers and toes it doesn’t scare him off.

It’s probably going to take a few more days for me to ride out the trauma and show my face to him again.

If I ever do recover.

Love,
Anicka “Fat Mouth” Nadine

If I Knew Then What I Know Now

If I Knew Then What I Know Now

I think most of us are guilty of constantly being terrified of what comes next. We never really know what’s right around the corner. The unknown is perhaps one of the most difficult aspects of life to embrace, and as Chuck Palahniuk phrased it best,” our mistrust of the future makes it hard to give up the past.” As humans, we have a tendency to hold on so tightly to our past because it’s familiar, because we recognize it, because there are no surprises.

The future possesses a much greater likelihood that the rug will be unexpectedly pulled under our feet. When talking about the future, anything can happen. The unknown makes 100% of the pie. We can get sick. We can lose our jobs. The plane we’re in can crash. Our significant others can reject us. We can have our loved ones taken away from us, temporarily or otherwise. Every thing is fair game when we deal with the future. No one is exempt, and nobody likes that. I don’t know about you, but I’m not Zen enough to live in the present. My mind either functions by reminiscing on the past or worrying/getting excited about the future.

But you know something? The Future never really comes. One way or another, it becomes disguised as Today. And what’s even remarkable is that we have more resilience and strength than we often give ourselves credit for. The fact that you’re reading this is proof of that. So far, you’ve survived all the blows and curve balls this life has thrown at you, no matter how long or how brief you may have been living on this Earth.

And honestly, I think we need to start shifting our focus on that. Let’s forget about what can happen tomorrow, or a week, or a year, or a decade from now. Let’s give ourselves a break from overthinking everything, because more often that not, this never leads to anything good. Let’s stop resisting and learn accepting. We must remember the fact that no matter how difficult life may be, we’re still standing. We’re still here.

At the end of the day, no one is exempt from pain and suffering, and at times, this can get downright overwhelming. Yet despite this reality, we find a way to cope, push through, and persevere. We’ve all experienced one form of tragedy or another, but we made it through. No matter how rattled we get, we somehow find our feet again. I don’t know about you, but I find that quite spectacular.

My present self is pretty damn well proud of my past selves for not giving up, and I’m sure I’ll make my future self feel the same.

You should be, too.

Love,

Anicka Nadine