This is my reality. I’m the happiest I’ve been in years, and it didn’t come easy. I worked my ass off to be in this position… to experience this high. Through immense struggle, I won my price. Yet sometimes, I can’t help but believe that the universe is spoiling me.
Emotionally, I’m stable. Merely a few short months after a devastating break-up from my boyfriend of almost 3 years, I feel at ease. Resistance has dissipated, and acceptance has entered my heart. No longer do I spend days and nights agonizing how to make a relationship work when it has clearly ran its course. In the end, I finally stopped swimming against the current, and that has given me peace.
Financially, I’m solid. I’m living on my own, buying my own groceries, paying my own bills, and not a single cent in credit card debt. Although my job can be demanding, I enjoy it. My coworkers are pretty awesome, too.
Socially, I’m surrounded by the best and most supportive group of friends. In regards to my family, my relationship with my parents and sibling are healthy. I’m surrounded by people who love me regardless of the reckless shenanigans I occasionally get myself into. There is not one person in my life who I don’t want in it.
Health-wise, mentally and physically, my self-esteem is solid. I have no major body-image issues. I’m not suffering from eating disorders, like bulimia and anorexia, or anything else a lot of girls my age experience. My wrists are devoid of self-inflicted injuries. Of course, I would have my moments of insecurities every once in a while, but for the most part, I love what I see in the mirror.
Almost [granted, I am not exempted from petty dilemmas] everything is going smoothly. I busted my ass to sow the seeds, and now I’m reaping all the benefits. Sometimes, my heart would swell with so much joy, and I would get this overwhelming urge to just scream at the top of my lungs, “I AM SO HAPPY IT’S RIDICULOUS! I’M SO PROUD OF MYSELF! YAY ME!” That may have come across as slightly obnoxious with the CAPS Lock, but it’s true. I can honestly say that never in my life did I think that this level of happiness actually existed. There are days where I wish I can bottle up my happiness just so I can share it with everyone.
Of course, everyone around me is telling me how happy they are for me. One even mentioned the change in my “aura”, to which my brain’s automatic sarcasm-laden response was, “Was I really that cynical and jaded before ?” Here I go again with my tangents that always deviate away from my actual point. And that point being: if everyone is happy for me, then why do I occasionally feel sudden surges of guilt every time I reach a certain level of happiness?
It’s as if I feel the need to shut up about my accomplishments and excitement because not everyone is presented with the same opportunities as I am. Call me crazy, but I believe in luck. Not everyone can do what I’m doing. Not everyone is/will be presented with the resources that has/will come my way. Yes, we can’t disregard hard work in the picture, but there is such a thing as being at the right place at the right time during the right circumstances. The path that have led me up to this point has been a series of having one door constantly being opened to me after another. Not everyone is as fortunate as I am, and I feel like broadcasting my happiness to the world is just adding insult to injury. As if I’m dangling a carrot in the faces of those who aren’t as lucky as me and that I’m teasing them with something that they may or may not ever be able to obtain.
Personally, I can’t pinpoint where this feeling is coming from. I seem to be hosting this internal dialogue with myself, to which Confident Adrielle is trying to convince Cynical Adrielle that she does in fact deserve every bit of happiness and needs to stop apologizing for it. I don’t understand why I feel the need to apologize or feel guilty about being happy — which I know is completely ludicrous, because everyone deserves happiness! The thing is, I don’t want to be this person. I don’t want to perpetually water down my happiness simply to accommodate to those who can’t find their own way to be happy. I want to be proud of the successes I’ve achieved.
And this has nothing to do with abandoning humility either. It’s really not. Because you know what? Anyone who is happy needs a good pat in the back or at least an epic high-five. Because really, they did something. They got off their ass and did the work. They didn’t waste another day having their butts fused to the couch. They rode hard, and now they’re earning the downhill. They made shit happen. Achieving what they deserve should be nothing but a cause of celebration.